McDonald’s New Ice Cream Machine App Is Our Salvation

Goddamn finally. McDonalds has released an app to let me know the precise times when their ice cream machines are working. Now my lifestyle is complete.

At around 3:00 AM every nightmorning, I get a powerful hankering for McDonald’s ice cream. Is it the most gourmet ice cream? No, it’s not some esoteric, craft-micro-churned snobby intellectualist ice cream with “interesting flavors.” It’s wholesome, all-American vanilla like God intended, whipped into a texture that is inoffensive in every way.

When one of these ice cream moods overcomes me, I’m typically garbed in sweatpants and a t-shirt that smells vaguely like salami and acorns. I don’t want to leave my comfortable filth-cocoon, but I must migrate to enter the feeding grounds that is McDonalds. I need that ice cream. It is the gazelle to my lion, the acacia leaves to my giraffe, the human blood to my bed bugs.

When I manage to peel myself off my couch and shuffle my way into a McDonald’s, I expect to receive a healthy serving of perfectly adequate (and not a single iota better) ice cream. But there is a horrific sentence I fear hearing the most. No, it’s not, “You were in an accident and to save your arms we had to attach them to your butt.” It is those dreaded, awful words: “I’m sorry M’am, our ice cream machine is broken tonight.”

When I hear them, it feels like my heart has dropped into the icy pit of my stomach. And no, it’s not that I’ve eaten so much McDonald’s ice cream, the fact my heart still functions is nothing short of a miracle. It’s that the emotional shock of being deprived my rightful dollop of generic dairy product desert item is so severe, it sends me into an apoplectic fit of sadness. In short, this app is going to save my life.

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