6 Horrifying Acts Of Desperation & Fear Caused By Spiders

Most people jump when a spider gets too close, but not everyone. Some go so far beyond the natural “shriek and flail” reaction that they completely disappear over the horizon, abandon their children, or even threaten mass shootings at the sight of some eight-legged freak. When you finally figure out what that little tickle was on the back of your neck (probably a brown recluse?!?!), just try to keep the undignified screaming under control. Unlike, say …

#6. A Woman Jumped From A Moving Car With Her Son Still In It

What’s the worst kind of car accident you can imagine? It probably involves crashing into a school bus, right? How about if your kid was also involved and was somehow alone in your moving car, while you fell out of said car? Also, the entire thing was your fault. That’s about as bad as it could get, right?

Wrong. The answer is: all of that plus being TOUCHED BY A SPIDER.

The spinoff failed to achieve the success of the original.

Indiana woman Angela Kipp lived through this precise nightmare in September 2015. She was backing out of her driveway when she noticed a spider on her shoulder. We’ve all heard of mothers lifting cars off their infants with sudden, inhuman bursts of strength in times of crisis. Angela Kipp is … not that kind of mother.

She made the outside-the-box choice to leap through the driver’s side window, leaving her terrified young child in the vehicle as it rolled toward the street. To his credit, after watching his only source of clean laundry and waffles abandon him so fast it’d make an orphan flinch, the kid did manage to crawl from the back seat to the driver’s seat and tried to slam his foot on the brake pedal. Just one problem: Nine-year-olds can’t tell the difference between the brake and the accelerator. The car, still in reverse, sped backward into a school bus.

“Well, at least you know what not to do when you take driver’s ed.”

This is the part of parenthood no book prepares you for: watching your son roll into oncoming traffic while trapped in a car with a spider at the wheel.

Fortunately, no children were on the bus, no one was seriously injured, and no charges were filed. The spider, however, remains at large.

#5. People Have Burned Down Buildings To Kill Spiders

Burning at the stake is classically reserved for only the most evil of threats, such as witches, women we think are witches, or just women we don’t like very much. And if it’s good enough for witches, it’s good enough for spiders. But it doesn’t always work out the intended way. An unidentified Seattle man was in the laundry room of his house when he encountered irrevocable proof of an uncaring God: the spider. Instead of going, “Ah!” and then swatting at his hair for a few minutes, he quickly fashioned himself a makeshift blowtorch and, as the local news put it: “Firefighters say the man who rented the house was trying to kill a spider in the laundry room with a can of spray paint and a lighter. The flames quickly spread through the room and into the attic.”

“Where’d he go?! SUPPRESSING FIRE!”

He called 911 and firefighters put the blaze out, but not before it caused $60,000 in damage to the house — which wasn’t even his house. We’re sure the landlord was very understanding when he explained, “It almost touched me.”

This “panic and then fire” approach to spider-problem-solving wasn’t an isolated incident. In Michigan, a man was pumping gas when he spotted a lone spider on the roof of his car. He pulled out his lighter (sensible!) and managed to set the spider on fire — along with his whole car and very nearly the gas station.

Instead of acting like a normal person and abandoning the car for scrap.

The gas station attendant hit an emergency button to stop the flow of gas to the pump, so the blaze was contained and did not, y’know, explode and cause several deaths.

Though we can all likely agree: That would be the coolest way to be killed by a spider.

#4. Spiders Cause Grills To Catch On Fire And Melt

It was a nice day out, so a retiree and his wife fired up their grill for a little barbecue. They let it preheat and then tossed some meat on to cook. All was going surprisingly well!

“All that’s left to do is to confidently finish this sent-“

Until the knobs started shooting out flames, then melted entirely. After putting out the fire and shutting off the gas, the man called the manufacturer for a well-deserved “What the fuck was that, exactly?” In a masterstroke of customer service deadpan, the representative told him that the problem was caused by his grill being full of spiders.

After the screaming stopped, the rep explained that the customer didn’t hermetically seal the whole thing at the end of the autumn, so by spring all the local spiders had packed the workings so tight with nests and squirming spider bodies, it burst into flames. That particular grill model was recalled for being a spider condo, and the company introduced SpiderGuard technology (yes, it was literally called SpiderGuard) to every new model thereafter. They also offer SpiderGuard replacement burners for every one of their pre-SpiderGuard models. We know what you’re thinking, and yes, we’re already on the phone asking if they SpiderGuard things aside from grills. We’ll get back to you.

“No, no, SpiderGuard will absolutely not make it easier for us —
I mean them — to get into your home.”

Read more: www.cracked.com